Actors (and beautiful humans) Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling are notoriously private about their family life, including their kids — daughters Esmerelda, age 5, and Amada, who just turned 4. They don’t post their photos on social media; they don’t even really talk about them much in the media, period. So when Mendes opens up just a little bit on her Instagram about what it’s like parenting a 5-year-old and a 4-year-old (birthday girl, no less!) in quarantine, shouldn’t that be welcomed and celebrated? Nay, say the trolls!
Because of course the shamers managed to find fault with what was basically the kindest of afterthoughts in Mendes’ recent birthday ‘gram in honor of her daughter Amada’s fourth birthday: her callout to “all the tired mamas” out there, to whom she is “sending extra love.”
“Tired Mama,” Mendes captioned her lovely post. “Stayed up laaate trying to make my baby’s 4th birthday extra special since she won’t see the family. Here’s to all you having a quarantine birthday ..sending extra love. Here’s to all you tired mamas…sending extra love.”
Aw, Eva! Even in her famousness, and her exhaustion, and her quarantine-kid-birthday-planning, she still managed to find a moment to think of all us other moms out there who are working hella hard these days to stay home, stay sane, homeschool, not get fired, still feed our kids, and all that jazz. How could the commenters possibly find fault with this? Well, apparently they think Mendes should have been thanking the dads. Oy fucking vey.
Y’all. I can’t.
“Respect for the dads holding it down!” internet-shouted one commenter. “Stop assuming it’s always the female that carry all the home’s work load” said another. And Mendes responded with such love and kindness, we are in awe.
“I just figured most people on my page are moms. But of course to all dads and all caregivers!” she wrote. “(I was on 3 hours sleep when I wrote this surprised I made any sense at all). Sending love to dads who are putting in the work!!! Have a great day!”
But that didn’t appease them. So many more folks kept commenting, accusing her of “stereotyping,” that she even responded again:
“Sorry, but it’s mostly women who follow me on this page. I like to connect to the women. It’s just my nature. I’m a girl’s girl,” she wrote. “Has absolutely nothing to do with ‘stereotyping.’… Sending love to you, to all the tired papas and all the tired caregivers from this tired mama.”
If there’s one trend we’ve noticed about families in quarantine — other than, you know, the increase in bread-baking — it’s that dads these days are having a hard damn time keeping up. From famous fathers like Chris Hemsworth and Kanye West slacking on their household/homeschooling duties, to regular-old dudes realizing just how little “me time” is involved with being a stay-at-home parent, dads are learning some tough truths right about now. Basically, they’re learning just how much work their female partners were already doing.
Of course there are exceptions to the rule. Of course there are stay-at-home dads, there are trans dads and two-dad homes and kids who live with their grandparents, and of course all those caregivers are working hard, too. It’s not just “the mamas.” But is Mendes, as a hard-working mama, allowed to send a shoutout of love to the fellow moms with whom she identifies? Hell yes she is.
After all, even in this day and age, women continue to perform the vast majority of housework and childcare — despite the fact that women now make up almost 50% of the workforce. Translation: Women are attempting to “do it all” while men are getting away with doing, well, some of it. But certainly not half.
So honestly, these commenters thinking Mendes owes The Dads Of The World a thank-you need to sit. down. Once we dig this country — indeed, this world — out of centuries of patriarchy and inequal pay and dads thinking they shouldn’t have to do the laundry, then, sure, you can argue that they “deserve” a shoutout. Until then, maybe use that energy you’re spending whining on Instagram about men being left out to call your Senator and campaign for some policies that promote actual equality, not just Instagram equality.
Mendes’ partner in parenting Ryan Gosling is just one of the many celeb dads who are giving us life right now.
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